Where to start....

You know for the past few days I have been thinking about writing this new blog... I have thought and thought about how to say all those things that I want to say. Hell, some of those things feel like they should be screamed. Maybe if I just start typing my mind will just let it flow...

To start, I am still lost and hurt about my mother's condition. Yeah some time has passed since her diagnosis and treatment began. In all I suppose that her meds are helping I mean the doctors think that her progression is slowing somewhat. I don't see it, she is still suffering from so many spells and weak days. I just don't see what it was that she did in life to justify something this bad happening to her. She is the most amazing woman and the universes best mom! I know that it can't be looked at as a punishment I mean bad things happen to good people all the time (sometimes it actually seems to happen a lot). The doctors said that once her MS hits a plateau they can switch her meds to a less intense medicine with less side effects. She had an appointment in Nashville yesterday and I have yet to hear how that went (I need to call her soon). It's just been so hard seeing the biggest icon and role model in my life get hit so hard by something...

Oh my, Oh my.... My personal life (i.e. relationships and the like...) has been a total wreck! I am fairly certain that I posted about Levi and the relationship we had. I realized the other day that I really have only "dated" one guy since then. There have been a few hookups (yes, I know those are not good) but really nothing by way of relationships except for Chris. I am not totally certain what it was I had with Chris... I've wrestled with thoughts about it for a bit. I can't decide if I was in love with him so I figure that means no I wasn't. What I had with Chris was good for me, I needed something to help me get my life out of the trash that I was rolling in. I think that maybe if so many things weren't kept from me and hidden then possibly I would have loved Chris.

I realize as I write this that I perhaps should do a few individual blogs to further explain some things in greater detail I mean I'm cramming like 8 months worth of crap into this one post... LOL!

I do want to talk a bit about an epiphany that I had just a day or so back. I was sitting at my Grandma's house after coming back from a wonderful visit with Levi and Eva when I decided to put on my big boy pants and stop letting everything in life slip through my fingers. I'm tired of taking a backseat when it comes to controlling my life! I figured out that happiness doesn't just come to you, it's something you attain by getting up and reaching for it. Too long have I sat listlessly and watched everything that I've loved and needed in my life slip away because I wasn't fighting for it! The Joseph that was so weak that he spent the whole month of Nov. in a mental hospital is no more. I'm tired of focusing on all the shoulda, coulda, woulda's and am ready to focus on my shall, can, and will's! Hehe, maybe things won't always go how I want them to but I'm damn sure never going to find out if I don't try!

I didn't get everything out in this post but I chipped at the mountain of stuff and feel a little better for it... More blogging to come soon TRUST ME! (I got some funny crazy house stories lol)