For some time now I have wandered this same dark and weary path trodding through the brambley forest that is my life. Yet, in the distance I see this split in the path one side looks as if it may lead to brighter horizons the other seems to continue farther into the darkness that I've been traveling. Do I take the path towards possibly brighter futures or continue on and wait for some other distant road?
(enters the brighter clearing)
Perhaps, this is my time! Live my life, be brave, take chances, be happy, spend time with those who are dearest to my heart instead of feeling sorry or mad... I've been moody and cold for too long and have alienated and pushed away some while others have shown they just may be true enough to weather the storm of my life... I am no longer going to live in the past but look to my present and just let the future happen as it will.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
1st Blog Contest Details
Alright my lovely bloggers and Tweeters! I am in search of more readers and comments. Since afterall why put your thoughts out there if there is nobody to read them? lol
I have decided my first give away shall be a $20 Bath & Body Works gift card! I love their products and figured that you probably do as well!
Here's how it will work: First off you have to be a subscriber to my blog, that is the only requirement that is set in stone. The rest is your choice. You must choose and do at least two of the following things: Leave me comments, re-tweet about my give away, and/or post it on your own blog to alert others about my blog and contest. This contest will last for one week! That means that I will choose the winner next Thursday evening!
Now go my precious lovelies! lol, make me bigger better stronger faster! Above all thanks for your time and interest in me and my ramblings!
Love,
Joseph B.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Hmmm, survey?
Be honest, who texted you last? Levi
What does your last text say? Cool I'll be here waiting :-)
Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? The couch....
Any Bruises? Nope.
Are you a patient person? Depends...
Do you sleep with the door open or closed? Closed!
Did anyone see your last kiss? Nope.
Do you drink tea? Yes
Do you have plans for tomorrow? Nope
Would you be surprised if your parents had another baby together? That can't happen...
Do you want to get married? One day sure.
Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants or pajama pants? Jeans.
So, what if you married the last person you texted? Well, once upon a time I thought that might happen...
Last person you told a secret to? Kristal
Has anyone cried on your shoulder recently? I don't think so....
What are you listening to at the moment? Heroes Season 2
Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I don't know...
Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? There are a couple of people...
Your ex says they never even liked you, you say? .................................
Have you ever taken someone back after they hurt you? Never been given the chance.
Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? Depends on how you mean attached...
Are relationships ever really worth it? Yes, even though all mine have ended (sometimes bad) I don't think I would take back any of the good times I've shared with my exes....
When was the last time you were in a very good mood? It comes and goes....
Were you single last summer? Nope...
Do you like thunderstorms? No.
Do you believe in love? I do! I have had it... But, like all things that too apparently comes to an end on one side or the other...
When was the last time you saw your father? A few months ago, I think...
Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around? Sometimes....
Have any memories that you'd like to forget? I may, but I've got even more that I NEVER wanna forget!
Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff? I dunno.
Do you think teenagers can be in love? Puppy love, maybe... But, not the true life altering stuff.
How fast does your mood change? Depends on the day.
Are there certain things that can't be joked about with you? A select few topics just are insulting to me if used jokingly.
How are you feeling? Pretty good, kinda full. Just had dinner...
Do you feel you'll ever get back together with your first love? Nope.
How's your relationship with the person you last texted? It's really good considering that we just broke up a month or two ago...
When's the latest you've stayed up this past week? Maybe 4
Have you ever liked someone who didn't like you back? Yeah.
This time last year, can you remember who you liked? I was busy loving Levi, we are being honest right?
Have you ever had to dial 911 before? Yes, only once. It was for my Great-Grandmother.
Are you anything like you were at this point last year? No, I've changed... So much has happened in my life in not just the past year but in the last few months...
Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't? People come and go... It's a natural flow of life.
Do you think you are a good person? I used to. Now, I'm just not sure.
Have your parents ever told you that you couldn't hang out with a certain someone? Yeah, I see now that it was to protect my better interests so no grudges! LOL
Have you seen the movie Thirteen? Yeppers.
Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Nope.
What will you be doing in the next 2 hours? Visiting peeps. LMAO
Do you still talk to the last person you Kissed? Yeah.
What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check my online stuff.
Have you ever kissed an ex after you broke up? Yes.
Are you smiling in your MySpace default picture? No.
Do you think that you can last in a relationship for 6 months? I've done it!
Who did you last say love you to? Probably my mother...
Are there any stressful situations in your life? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Read my posts!
Ever stayed up all night on the phone? Yeah when I was younger...
Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? I'll figure it out when I wake up...
Is your life simple or complicated? Simply complicated....
Who was your last phone call? Caterina.
Someone knocks on your window at 2 AM, who would it be? I have no idea!
Does the person you last kissed still like you? Who knows... We are still friends...
Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a M? Nope.
What is your favorite memory? Goodness, I don't know...
Have you ever cried over a text? I don't think so...
Last three people to text you? Levi, Kristal, and Jeremiah.
Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person? Indeed.
Are you stubborn? On some things...
Think back 3 months ago, were you single? No.
Have you ever dated the same person twice? As in like got back together with someone? uhm, no.
What would you do if you found out the person you liked had a boyfriend/girlfriend? N/A
What are you most anxious/excited for? I don't know...
Is the room you are in right now clean or a mess? Not too bad...
Has anyone told you that they like you more than a friend recently? Not really...
If you married the last person that texted you, what would be your last name? Langston
Are any of your texts in your inbox locked and why? Nope.
Did you go to bed smiling last night? I don't know.
What does your last text say? Cool I'll be here waiting :-)
Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? The couch....
Any Bruises? Nope.
Are you a patient person? Depends...
Do you sleep with the door open or closed? Closed!
Did anyone see your last kiss? Nope.
Do you drink tea? Yes
Do you have plans for tomorrow? Nope
Would you be surprised if your parents had another baby together? That can't happen...
Do you want to get married? One day sure.
Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants or pajama pants? Jeans.
So, what if you married the last person you texted? Well, once upon a time I thought that might happen...
Last person you told a secret to? Kristal
Has anyone cried on your shoulder recently? I don't think so....
What are you listening to at the moment? Heroes Season 2
Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I don't know...
Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? There are a couple of people...
Your ex says they never even liked you, you say? .................................
Have you ever taken someone back after they hurt you? Never been given the chance.
Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? Depends on how you mean attached...
Are relationships ever really worth it? Yes, even though all mine have ended (sometimes bad) I don't think I would take back any of the good times I've shared with my exes....
When was the last time you were in a very good mood? It comes and goes....
Were you single last summer? Nope...
Do you like thunderstorms? No.
Do you believe in love? I do! I have had it... But, like all things that too apparently comes to an end on one side or the other...
When was the last time you saw your father? A few months ago, I think...
Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around? Sometimes....
Have any memories that you'd like to forget? I may, but I've got even more that I NEVER wanna forget!
Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff? I dunno.
Do you think teenagers can be in love? Puppy love, maybe... But, not the true life altering stuff.
How fast does your mood change? Depends on the day.
Are there certain things that can't be joked about with you? A select few topics just are insulting to me if used jokingly.
How are you feeling? Pretty good, kinda full. Just had dinner...
Do you feel you'll ever get back together with your first love? Nope.
How's your relationship with the person you last texted? It's really good considering that we just broke up a month or two ago...
When's the latest you've stayed up this past week? Maybe 4
Have you ever liked someone who didn't like you back? Yeah.
This time last year, can you remember who you liked? I was busy loving Levi, we are being honest right?
Have you ever had to dial 911 before? Yes, only once. It was for my Great-Grandmother.
Are you anything like you were at this point last year? No, I've changed... So much has happened in my life in not just the past year but in the last few months...
Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't? People come and go... It's a natural flow of life.
Do you think you are a good person? I used to. Now, I'm just not sure.
Have your parents ever told you that you couldn't hang out with a certain someone? Yeah, I see now that it was to protect my better interests so no grudges! LOL
Have you seen the movie Thirteen? Yeppers.
Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Nope.
What will you be doing in the next 2 hours? Visiting peeps. LMAO
Do you still talk to the last person you Kissed? Yeah.
What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check my online stuff.
Have you ever kissed an ex after you broke up? Yes.
Are you smiling in your MySpace default picture? No.
Do you think that you can last in a relationship for 6 months? I've done it!
Who did you last say love you to? Probably my mother...
Are there any stressful situations in your life? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Read my posts!
Ever stayed up all night on the phone? Yeah when I was younger...
Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? I'll figure it out when I wake up...
Is your life simple or complicated? Simply complicated....
Who was your last phone call? Caterina.
Someone knocks on your window at 2 AM, who would it be? I have no idea!
Does the person you last kissed still like you? Who knows... We are still friends...
Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a M? Nope.
What is your favorite memory? Goodness, I don't know...
Have you ever cried over a text? I don't think so...
Last three people to text you? Levi, Kristal, and Jeremiah.
Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person? Indeed.
Are you stubborn? On some things...
Think back 3 months ago, were you single? No.
Have you ever dated the same person twice? As in like got back together with someone? uhm, no.
What would you do if you found out the person you liked had a boyfriend/girlfriend? N/A
What are you most anxious/excited for? I don't know...
Is the room you are in right now clean or a mess? Not too bad...
Has anyone told you that they like you more than a friend recently? Not really...
If you married the last person that texted you, what would be your last name? Langston
Are any of your texts in your inbox locked and why? Nope.
Did you go to bed smiling last night? I don't know.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
A Dream Within A Dream...
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
By: Edgar Allan Poe
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
By: Edgar Allan Poe
Friday, July 31, 2009
National MS Society
This is the website that helped me a lot on learning about my mother's condition. I just thought that I would post it in case anybody was curious or wanted to help support the MS Society.
http://www.nationalmssociety.org/
The National MS Society is a collective of passionate individuals who want to do something about MS now—to move together toward a world free of multiple sclerosis. MS stops people from moving. We exist to make sure it doesn't.
We help each person address the challenges of living with MS through our 50-state network of chapters. The Society helps people affected by MS by funding cutting-edge research, driving change through advocacy, facilitating professional education, and providing programs and services that help people with MS and their families move their lives forward.
http://www.nationalmssociety.org/
The National MS Society is a collective of passionate individuals who want to do something about MS now—to move together toward a world free of multiple sclerosis. MS stops people from moving. We exist to make sure it doesn't.
We help each person address the challenges of living with MS through our 50-state network of chapters. The Society helps people affected by MS by funding cutting-edge research, driving change through advocacy, facilitating professional education, and providing programs and services that help people with MS and their families move their lives forward.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Not Sure...
I want to write something because I have so much inside to say about so many things but I can't seem to put these thoughts into words. This just wasn't how my life was supposed to be. I remember bright happy times, or at least I think I do. Don't get me wrong there are rays of light that still reside in my life. I do have Kristal who no matter what bad things have happened between us in the past has shown to really be a dear friend. Then of course my family, although quirky they do care. They just aren't sure how to show it... I've just been so distant lately because this whole MS business with my mother has taken me to a dark place. On top of my concern for my mother there is the thought and knowledge that MS is hereditary and I have increased chances of it manifesting in my system. That isn't something I'm prepared to deal with at this point.
Then of course there is Levi.... Perhaps all thats happened shouldn't still bother me but it does... I spent close to 2 years with him, we shared not just time but a life. A life full of happiness, sorrow, secrets, and love. Things went somewhat sour towards the end mostly from stress... I take nearly the full blame for what we had coming to an end. If I had been less jealous and over protective, maybe worked more, perhaps cleaned more.... Who knows, things will heal and time make this all better for me. I mean he is afterall going to be a factor in my life. We are still friends, it took me a while to get passed what he did when he left me. My heart still tremors when I think about that horrid Monday. I will always be there for him and he for me. Everyone always said that we fit better as friends and not lovers but I never believed that and maybe I should have listened. Life may be easier to deal with right now if I had. Don't think I'm saying I would take the past 2 years away, goodness no! I loved the good times and would never want to lose those!
Well, I think I've rambled enough for now. lol, I'll post again soon! Peace!
Then of course there is Levi.... Perhaps all thats happened shouldn't still bother me but it does... I spent close to 2 years with him, we shared not just time but a life. A life full of happiness, sorrow, secrets, and love. Things went somewhat sour towards the end mostly from stress... I take nearly the full blame for what we had coming to an end. If I had been less jealous and over protective, maybe worked more, perhaps cleaned more.... Who knows, things will heal and time make this all better for me. I mean he is afterall going to be a factor in my life. We are still friends, it took me a while to get passed what he did when he left me. My heart still tremors when I think about that horrid Monday. I will always be there for him and he for me. Everyone always said that we fit better as friends and not lovers but I never believed that and maybe I should have listened. Life may be easier to deal with right now if I had. Don't think I'm saying I would take the past 2 years away, goodness no! I loved the good times and would never want to lose those!
Well, I think I've rambled enough for now. lol, I'll post again soon! Peace!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
More Mom News...
I just talked to my mom on the phone, she is on her way back from Nashville, TN.
Her medications have changed and she was informed that her in home visit to learn how the injections are given will take place in about a week. They said that they don't know the speed at which its progressing. If it started in her 20's then she has 5-10 years before she is on a cane due to her body's decline. They said if it started in March then in 1-3 years she will be cane dependant... I just don't know, do I wanna scream and be mad (in which case who is there to be mad at?) or do I wanna just cry and face my mothers mortality? I wanna be strong for my mom but this sucks so much! She has always been my rock, the one that no matter what comes at her she stone-faces and takes it and never breaks pace... This has drained her so much and I get more scared everyday!
I can't type anymore, I'm at work and about to breakdown so just keep her in your thoughts and prayers! (sounds wierd coming from me, being doubtful of all higher power but I don't know what else to do... who do I have?)
Her medications have changed and she was informed that her in home visit to learn how the injections are given will take place in about a week. They said that they don't know the speed at which its progressing. If it started in her 20's then she has 5-10 years before she is on a cane due to her body's decline. They said if it started in March then in 1-3 years she will be cane dependant... I just don't know, do I wanna scream and be mad (in which case who is there to be mad at?) or do I wanna just cry and face my mothers mortality? I wanna be strong for my mom but this sucks so much! She has always been my rock, the one that no matter what comes at her she stone-faces and takes it and never breaks pace... This has drained her so much and I get more scared everyday!
I can't type anymore, I'm at work and about to breakdown so just keep her in your thoughts and prayers! (sounds wierd coming from me, being doubtful of all higher power but I don't know what else to do... who do I have?)
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Greatest Mother!
Well, here goes my first blog post on here...
To start I have to say that I have the greatest mother on the planet! She has always made sure that I have had everything that I've ever needed and usually what I wanted. We have always been very close, I mean granted there was a time after I came out that she was more distant. Although, over the past 2 years we have gotten so much closer than maybe we have ever been in the past. She has really started taking an interest in my life again and even inquired about and invited my now ex-boyfriend to family functions (even buying gifts for him). Anyway, here goes the reason for my posting...
My mother has recently been diagnosed with MS. It has been so scary and wearing to think of my forever brilliant, beautiful, and independant mother being so weakened by this condition. She has apparently had it for a few years now but her doctors kept mis-diagnosing it. Passing it off as nothing more than migraines brought on by stress mixed with her TMJ and blood-sugar issues. (there were issues with the medication she was on for the migraines but thats for another day) Finally after she had been rushed to the hospital several times for stroke-like symptoms they sent her to a specialist in Nashville, TN. Once there she was diagnosed with MS. Since it had went so long she had developed lesions on her brain and lost a small portion of the strength on her left side. In order to repair this they put her on a weeks worth of daily IV treatments. These were supposed to last her until her appointment in August, but they have worn off and for the past several days she has once again been weak and tired. To the point where she has been having mild episodes again.
As of right now my mother and step-father are in a hotel in Nashville, TN waiting for her newly rescheduled appointment that is tomorrow morning at 10:30. Even once they get her leveled out with her treatment and everything she will still never be able to just be on some daily pill. They have informed her that she will need to be on daily in-home injections to keep it in check.
How is all this fair? Life sometimes kicks you so hard that you just find yourself wondering why? I realize that no matter how this affects me, its so much worse for my mother and I hurt for her everyday. She has always been the strongest person that I know, and now to think that she is so fragile and isn't the invincible wonder woman that I have always seen her as... Of course life doesn't throw just one curve ball at a time, so I see more posts very soon! Stay tuned...
To start I have to say that I have the greatest mother on the planet! She has always made sure that I have had everything that I've ever needed and usually what I wanted. We have always been very close, I mean granted there was a time after I came out that she was more distant. Although, over the past 2 years we have gotten so much closer than maybe we have ever been in the past. She has really started taking an interest in my life again and even inquired about and invited my now ex-boyfriend to family functions (even buying gifts for him). Anyway, here goes the reason for my posting...
My mother has recently been diagnosed with MS. It has been so scary and wearing to think of my forever brilliant, beautiful, and independant mother being so weakened by this condition. She has apparently had it for a few years now but her doctors kept mis-diagnosing it. Passing it off as nothing more than migraines brought on by stress mixed with her TMJ and blood-sugar issues. (there were issues with the medication she was on for the migraines but thats for another day) Finally after she had been rushed to the hospital several times for stroke-like symptoms they sent her to a specialist in Nashville, TN. Once there she was diagnosed with MS. Since it had went so long she had developed lesions on her brain and lost a small portion of the strength on her left side. In order to repair this they put her on a weeks worth of daily IV treatments. These were supposed to last her until her appointment in August, but they have worn off and for the past several days she has once again been weak and tired. To the point where she has been having mild episodes again.
As of right now my mother and step-father are in a hotel in Nashville, TN waiting for her newly rescheduled appointment that is tomorrow morning at 10:30. Even once they get her leveled out with her treatment and everything she will still never be able to just be on some daily pill. They have informed her that she will need to be on daily in-home injections to keep it in check.
How is all this fair? Life sometimes kicks you so hard that you just find yourself wondering why? I realize that no matter how this affects me, its so much worse for my mother and I hurt for her everyday. She has always been the strongest person that I know, and now to think that she is so fragile and isn't the invincible wonder woman that I have always seen her as... Of course life doesn't throw just one curve ball at a time, so I see more posts very soon! Stay tuned...
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