Not Sure...

I want to write something because I have so much inside to say about so many things but I can't seem to put these thoughts into words. This just wasn't how my life was supposed to be. I remember bright happy times, or at least I think I do. Don't get me wrong there are rays of light that still reside in my life. I do have Kristal who no matter what bad things have happened between us in the past has shown to really be a dear friend. Then of course my family, although quirky they do care. They just aren't sure how to show it... I've just been so distant lately because this whole MS business with my mother has taken me to a dark place. On top of my concern for my mother there is the thought and knowledge that MS is hereditary and I have increased chances of it manifesting in my system. That isn't something I'm prepared to deal with at this point.
Then of course there is Levi.... Perhaps all thats happened shouldn't still bother me but it does... I spent close to 2 years with him, we shared not just time but a life. A life full of happiness, sorrow, secrets, and love. Things went somewhat sour towards the end mostly from stress... I take nearly the full blame for what we had coming to an end. If I had been less jealous and over protective, maybe worked more, perhaps cleaned more.... Who knows, things will heal and time make this all better for me. I mean he is afterall going to be a factor in my life. We are still friends, it took me a while to get passed what he did when he left me. My heart still tremors when I think about that horrid Monday. I will always be there for him and he for me. Everyone always said that we fit better as friends and not lovers but I never believed that and maybe I should have listened. Life may be easier to deal with right now if I had. Don't think I'm saying I would take the past 2 years away, goodness no! I loved the good times and would never want to lose those!
Well, I think I've rambled enough for now. lol, I'll post again soon! Peace!