Ramblings of the Hopeful!

Well, well, well....

2010-10-23T21:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a long minute since a proper blog post on here... I don't know if this quick blurb will count as proper but, here goes!

Still in Michigan even though my residency here went away for a second a while back, I'm here and plan to stay! It's raining like crazy here now and we have heard that it'll only stop when it starts snowing lol! Yay, snow!

Ok, so on my mother's health front there isn't much new and improved... They changed her muscle relaxer dosage because it was too much too often for her already diminished muscle control. They added a new medication to her already long list. I'm not sure what her jaw surgeon said during her last visit but I will find out when I call her maybe tomorrow.

I'm single right now (well sorta) I have someone who I would love more than anything to pursue a relationship with but he is an hour away so there are issues... I'm interested enough that I finally deleted all my adult networking site accounts. Granted those needed to go anyway on account of them being sleazy... Guess we shall see where life takes my personal life...

I do want to say that I'm thankful for my best friend Kristal who through all that goes on she remains a voice of reason whether I wanna hear it or not. Sometimes I need that... Things are looking up for us lately and I'm hoping that life will level out for us all soon.

Ok, I'll post more frequent detailed updates as I can. Goodbye for now! Luvs!

Wordless Wednesday - Remembrance

2010-10-20T11:14:00.001-07:00

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Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over (2010 Version)

2010-09-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

This song is totally my personal anthem right now!

Old DRAMA, New TOWN....

2010-08-12T20:20:00.001-07:00

Hmmm, well lets see... To start, I'm outta KY! Michigan is really amazing so far I'm in love with the water! Sometimes, sure I miss my family but I have to do this "being on my own" thing because I can't depend on my family forever. Joseph is growing up, LOL!
Now for details... I got up here and pulled an old Joseph thing and fell for someone... He was great (or so it seemed) we have a lot in common, he is hott, and I really felt comfortable around him... We didn't mess around and for once that was alright. I was simply enjoying time... He told me about his troubled past and I understood we would take it slow... He mentioned to me that his friends were trying to set him up with this kid, and he was going with them to the pond... (flag one should have been here) Over the next couple days he got distant and when he messaged again he was different. So we talked and come to find out he said he had feelings for this boy... (yay, life is fun) He told me that clearly I was the smarter, safer, and more comfortable choice (I shouldn't be a "choice" I should be an everything). Yesterday he messaged me saying he and this boy were gonna try things out (insert psycho snap here). After all this they both decide to invite me over to hang today... (didn't go) So yesterday was Douchebag Day!
Oh, and on a new note my g-ma texted today telling me that Baby (my mom's pet dog/daughter and my little sister of 17 years) is not doing well! My mom is so troubled by it that she had to see her doctor on her lunch today... I want that dog to live forever... My mom will lose it totally!
More to come soon... Oh and even though you won't see this thank you Corey for helping me smile over the last two days! The biggest thanks as always goes to my BFF Kristal! Love you girl, thanks for keeping my crazy ass in check!

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New Car????

2010-05-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

Well, my red Firebird died today.... Ok, so it's the starter but this car has been nothing but trouble since I got it. It's been in wreck after wreck, and had more issues than Time Magazine!

It's has no working heat or air, neither window will work anymore, the headlights won't go up and down (they are stuck in the up position which makes it look like a frogs eyes), power steering leak, etc. etc.... I am so overdue for a non-lemon automobile!

My mom and grandparents are talking about getting me another car. I was told today that they are going Monday to try and work out a deal on this really cute black Acura that my grandpa took me to see just a bit ago. It's super cute and has leather seats and a built in gps!

I was proud of myself! When he asked what I wanted so that he knew what to look for I told him anything other than my car! Beggars can't be choosers... I do really hope that this new car thing works itself out, I mean afterall being stranded really sucks and I will be able to pay them back soon I hope!

Anyway, I was just wanting to talk about that for a second... Update ya later!

Mom's Latest Dr. Visit....

2010-05-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

I called mom today to see what her doctor said at her appointment in Nashville. I thought she went to see her MS doctor but instead it was with her maxo-facial surgeon or something like that. She goes to him now to work out the issues with her TMJ....
Apparently she was told yesterday that she has to have braces put on her teeth to help re-adjust her jaws. Those will stay on and be adjusted monthly for about 12 months. Following that will be a surgery to aid the jaw repair. Then braces again for several more months. All in all the doctor said the process would take about 24 months.
Mom had good spirits about this news she was joking about how the doctor said that she had elongated jaws and a big chin (and if that leads anyone to get visions of some deformity just scroll down and look at my mom's pic in an earlier post, she is the most beautiful woman I know)! LOL, she said that she called my grandparents after the appointment to thank them for having genes that didn't mix well. She is silly!

Oh yeah, she also invited me to go Sunday to watch the new Shrek movie. I do love a good 3D movie!

Where to start....

2010-05-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

You know for the past few days I have been thinking about writing this new blog... I have thought and thought about how to say all those things that I want to say. Hell, some of those things feel like they should be screamed. Maybe if I just start typing my mind will just let it flow...

To start, I am still lost and hurt about my mother's condition. Yeah some time has passed since her diagnosis and treatment began. In all I suppose that her meds are helping I mean the doctors think that her progression is slowing somewhat. I don't see it, she is still suffering from so many spells and weak days. I just don't see what it was that she did in life to justify something this bad happening to her. She is the most amazing woman and the universes best mom! I know that it can't be looked at as a punishment I mean bad things happen to good people all the time (sometimes it actually seems to happen a lot). The doctors said that once her MS hits a plateau they can switch her meds to a less intense medicine with less side effects. She had an appointment in Nashville yesterday and I have yet to hear how that went (I need to call her soon). It's just been so hard seeing the biggest icon and role model in my life get hit so hard by something...

Oh my, Oh my.... My personal life (i.e. relationships and the like...) has been a total wreck! I am fairly certain that I posted about Levi and the relationship we had. I realized the other day that I really have only "dated" one guy since then. There have been a few hookups (yes, I know those are not good) but really nothing by way of relationships except for Chris. I am not totally certain what it was I had with Chris... I've wrestled with thoughts about it for a bit. I can't decide if I was in love with him so I figure that means no I wasn't. What I had with Chris was good for me, I needed something to help me get my life out of the trash that I was rolling in. I think that maybe if so many things weren't kept from me and hidden then possibly I would have loved Chris.

I realize as I write this that I perhaps should do a few individual blogs to further explain some things in greater detail I mean I'm cramming like 8 months worth of crap into this one post... LOL!

I do want to talk a bit about an epiphany that I had just a day or so back. I was sitting at my Grandma's house after coming back from a wonderful visit with Levi and Eva when I decided to put on my big boy pants and stop letting everything in life slip through my fingers. I'm tired of taking a backseat when it comes to controlling my life! I figured out that happiness doesn't just come to you, it's something you attain by getting up and reaching for it. Too long have I sat listlessly and watched everything that I've loved and needed in my life slip away because I wasn't fighting for it! The Joseph that was so weak that he spent the whole month of Nov. in a mental hospital is no more. I'm tired of focusing on all the shoulda, coulda, woulda's and am ready to focus on my shall, can, and will's! Hehe, maybe things won't always go how I want them to but I'm damn sure never going to find out if I don't try!

I didn't get everything out in this post but I chipped at the mountain of stuff and feel a little better for it... More blogging to come soon TRUST ME! (I got some funny crazy house stories lol)

Crossroads...

2009-08-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

For some time now I have wandered this same dark and weary path trodding through the brambley forest that is my life. Yet, in the distance I see this split in the path one side looks as if it may lead to brighter horizons the other seems to continue farther into the darkness that I've been traveling. Do I take the path towards possibly brighter futures or continue on and wait for some other distant road?
(enters the brighter clearing)
Perhaps, this is my time! Live my life, be brave, take chances, be happy, spend time with those who are dearest to my heart instead of feeling sorry or mad... I've been moody and cold for too long and have alienated and pushed away some while others have shown they just may be true enough to weather the storm of my life... I am no longer going to live in the past but look to my present and just let the future happen as it will.

1st Blog Contest Details

2009-08-13T20:17:00.001-07:00

Alright my lovely bloggers and Tweeters! I am in search of more readers and comments. Since afterall why put your thoughts out there if there is nobody to read them? lol

I have decided my first give away shall be a $20 Bath & Body Works gift card! I love their products and figured that you probably do as well!

Here's how it will work: First off you have to be a subscriber to my blog, that is the only requirement that is set in stone. The rest is your choice. You must choose and do at least two of the following things: Leave me comments, re-tweet about my give away, and/or post it on your own blog to alert others about my blog and contest. This contest will last for one week! That means that I will choose the winner next Thursday evening!

Now go my precious lovelies! lol, make me bigger better stronger faster! Above all thanks for your time and interest in me and my ramblings!

Love,

Joseph B.

WW on Thursday... Again. You Go Girls!

2009-08-13T06:11:00.001-07:00

Hmmm, survey?

2009-08-09T16:37:00.000-07:00

Be honest, who texted you last? Levi

What does your last text say? Cool I'll be here waiting :-)

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? The couch....

Any Bruises? Nope.

Are you a patient person? Depends...

Do you sleep with the door open or closed? Closed!

Did anyone see your last kiss? Nope.

Do you drink tea? Yes

Do you have plans for tomorrow? Nope

Would you be surprised if your parents had another baby together? That can't happen...

Do you want to get married? One day sure.

Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants or pajama pants? Jeans.

So, what if you married the last person you texted? Well, once upon a time I thought that might happen...

Last person you told a secret to? Kristal

Has anyone cried on your shoulder recently? I don't think so....

What are you listening to at the moment? Heroes Season 2

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I don't know...

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? There are a couple of people...

Your ex says they never even liked you, you say? .................................

Have you ever taken someone back after they hurt you? Never been given the chance.

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? Depends on how you mean attached...

Are relationships ever really worth it? Yes, even though all mine have ended (sometimes bad) I don't think I would take back any of the good times I've shared with my exes....

When was the last time you were in a very good mood? It comes and goes....

Were you single last summer? Nope...

Do you like thunderstorms? No.

Do you believe in love? I do! I have had it... But, like all things that too apparently comes to an end on one side or the other...

When was the last time you saw your father? A few months ago, I think...

Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around? Sometimes....

Have any memories that you'd like to forget? I may, but I've got even more that I NEVER wanna forget!

Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff? I dunno.

Do you think teenagers can be in love? Puppy love, maybe... But, not the true life altering stuff.

How fast does your mood change? Depends on the day.

Are there certain things that can't be joked about with you? A select few topics just are insulting to me if used jokingly.

How are you feeling? Pretty good, kinda full. Just had dinner...

Do you feel you'll ever get back together with your first love? Nope.

How's your relationship with the person you last texted? It's really good considering that we just broke up a month or two ago...

When's the latest you've stayed up this past week? Maybe 4

Have you ever liked someone who didn't like you back? Yeah.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? I was busy loving Levi, we are being honest right?

Have you ever had to dial 911 before? Yes, only once. It was for my Great-Grandmother.

Are you anything like you were at this point last year? No, I've changed... So much has happened in my life in not just the past year but in the last few months...

Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't? People come and go... It's a natural flow of life.

Do you think you are a good person? I used to. Now, I'm just not sure.

Have your parents ever told you that you couldn't hang out with a certain someone? Yeah, I see now that it was to protect my better interests so no grudges! LOL

Have you seen the movie Thirteen? Yeppers.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Nope.

What will you be doing in the next 2 hours? Visiting peeps. LMAO

Do you still talk to the last person you Kissed? Yeah.

What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check my online stuff.

Have you ever kissed an ex after you broke up? Yes.

Are you smiling in your MySpace default picture? No.

Do you think that you can last in a relationship for 6 months? I've done it!

Who did you last say love you to? Probably my mother...

Are there any stressful situations in your life? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Read my posts!

Ever stayed up all night on the phone? Yeah when I was younger...

Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? I'll figure it out when I wake up...

Is your life simple or complicated? Simply complicated....

Who was your last phone call? Caterina.

Someone knocks on your window at 2 AM, who would it be? I have no idea!

Does the person you last kissed still like you? Who knows... We are still friends...

Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a M? Nope.

What is your favorite memory? Goodness, I don't know...

Have you ever cried over a text? I don't think so...

Last three people to text you? Levi, Kristal, and Jeremiah.

Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person? Indeed.

Are you stubborn? On some things...

Think back 3 months ago, were you single? No.

Have you ever dated the same person twice? As in like got back together with someone? uhm, no.

What would you do if you found out the person you liked had a boyfriend/girlfriend? N/A

What are you most anxious/excited for? I don't know...

Is the room you are in right now clean or a mess? Not too bad...

Has anyone told you that they like you more than a friend recently? Not really...

If you married the last person that texted you, what would be your last name? Langston

Are any of your texts in your inbox locked and why? Nope.

Did you go to bed smiling last night? I don't know.

Wordless Wednesday on Thursday! LOL

2009-08-06T08:20:00.000-07:00

A Dream Within A Dream...

2009-08-03T17:32:00.000-07:00

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

By: Edgar Allan Poe

National MS Society

2009-07-31T14:00:00.000-07:00

This is the website that helped me a lot on learning about my mother's condition. I just thought that I would post it in case anybody was curious or wanted to help support the MS Society.

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/

The National MS Society is a collective of passionate individuals who want to do something about MS now—to move together toward a world free of multiple sclerosis. MS stops people from moving. We exist to make sure it doesn't.
We help each person address the challenges of living with MS through our 50-state network of chapters. The Society helps people affected by MS by funding cutting-edge research, driving change through advocacy, facilitating professional education, and providing programs and services that help people with MS and their families move their lives forward.

Not Sure...

2009-07-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

I want to write something because I have so much inside to say about so many things but I can't seem to put these thoughts into words. This just wasn't how my life was supposed to be. I remember bright happy times, or at least I think I do. Don't get me wrong there are rays of light that still reside in my life. I do have Kristal who no matter what bad things have happened between us in the past has shown to really be a dear friend. Then of course my family, although quirky they do care. They just aren't sure how to show it... I've just been so distant lately because this whole MS business with my mother has taken me to a dark place. On top of my concern for my mother there is the thought and knowledge that MS is hereditary and I have increased chances of it manifesting in my system. That isn't something I'm prepared to deal with at this point.
Then of course there is Levi.... Perhaps all thats happened shouldn't still bother me but it does... I spent close to 2 years with him, we shared not just time but a life. A life full of happiness, sorrow, secrets, and love. Things went somewhat sour towards the end mostly from stress... I take nearly the full blame for what we had coming to an end. If I had been less jealous and over protective, maybe worked more, perhaps cleaned more.... Who knows, things will heal and time make this all better for me. I mean he is afterall going to be a factor in my life. We are still friends, it took me a while to get passed what he did when he left me. My heart still tremors when I think about that horrid Monday. I will always be there for him and he for me. Everyone always said that we fit better as friends and not lovers but I never believed that and maybe I should have listened. Life may be easier to deal with right now if I had. Don't think I'm saying I would take the past 2 years away, goodness no! I loved the good times and would never want to lose those!
Well, I think I've rambled enough for now. lol, I'll post again soon! Peace!

More Mom News...

2009-07-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

I just talked to my mom on the phone, she is on her way back from Nashville, TN.
Her medications have changed and she was informed that her in home visit to learn how the injections are given will take place in about a week. They said that they don't know the speed at which its progressing. If it started in her 20's then she has 5-10 years before she is on a cane due to her body's decline. They said if it started in March then in 1-3 years she will be cane dependant... I just don't know, do I wanna scream and be mad (in which case who is there to be mad at?) or do I wanna just cry and face my mothers mortality? I wanna be strong for my mom but this sucks so much! She has always been my rock, the one that no matter what comes at her she stone-faces and takes it and never breaks pace... This has drained her so much and I get more scared everyday!
I can't type anymore, I'm at work and about to breakdown so just keep her in your thoughts and prayers! (sounds wierd coming from me, being doubtful of all higher power but I don't know what else to do... who do I have?)

Kinda Wordless Wednesday...

2009-07-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

............................................. love you mom!

Like From A Dream... Greece My Dream!

2009-07-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, Greece.... How I wish to see you!

Greatest Mother!

2009-07-28T20:09:00.000-07:00

Well, here goes my first blog post on here...

To start I have to say that I have the greatest mother on the planet! She has always made sure that I have had everything that I've ever needed and usually what I wanted. We have always been very close, I mean granted there was a time after I came out that she was more distant. Although, over the past 2 years we have gotten so much closer than maybe we have ever been in the past. She has really started taking an interest in my life again and even inquired about and invited my now ex-boyfriend to family functions (even buying gifts for him). Anyway, here goes the reason for my posting...
My mother has recently been diagnosed with MS. It has been so scary and wearing to think of my forever brilliant, beautiful, and independant mother being so weakened by this condition. She has apparently had it for a few years now but her doctors kept mis-diagnosing it. Passing it off as nothing more than migraines brought on by stress mixed with her TMJ and blood-sugar issues. (there were issues with the medication she was on for the migraines but thats for another day) Finally after she had been rushed to the hospital several times for stroke-like symptoms they sent her to a specialist in Nashville, TN. Once there she was diagnosed with MS. Since it had went so long she had developed lesions on her brain and lost a small portion of the strength on her left side. In order to repair this they put her on a weeks worth of daily IV treatments. These were supposed to last her until her appointment in August, but they have worn off and for the past several days she has once again been weak and tired. To the point where she has been having mild episodes again.
As of right now my mother and step-father are in a hotel in Nashville, TN waiting for her newly rescheduled appointment that is tomorrow morning at 10:30. Even once they get her leveled out with her treatment and everything she will still never be able to just be on some daily pill. They have informed her that she will need to be on daily in-home injections to keep it in check.
How is all this fair? Life sometimes kicks you so hard that you just find yourself wondering why? I realize that no matter how this affects me, its so much worse for my mother and I hurt for her everyday. She has always been the strongest person that I know, and now to think that she is so fragile and isn't the invincible wonder woman that I have always seen her as... Of course life doesn't throw just one curve ball at a time, so I see more posts very soon! Stay tuned...